Bad Gollum
by kung fu blondie
Summary: Gollum is annoying. He is being held in Mirkwood for being a naughty um… thing; and the guards have been ordered to not kill him? What madness will ensue?
1. Gollum is brought to Mirkwood

Bad Gollum!  
  
Gollum is annoying. He is being held in Mirkwood for being a naughty um... thing; and the guards have been ordered to not kill him? What madness will ensue?  
  
Rating: pg for some swearing and evil plotting  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything ANYTHING, pity me! Don't sue me! I own nothing LotR, nor do I own coke. That belongs to the dude that invented it, it is tasty tho. I do however own Anodien, Amon, Fred the herring, Hinia, Tang and this plot. They have all been spawned from my mind! FEAR THEM! Mwaaahaha  
  
Ok on to the story:  
  
Chapter one: Gollum is brought to Mirkwood  
  
"Arrrrghghghsgdfffdshjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj, nooooo it burns ussss! Takes it off us, wees be good, please takes it off!?" screamed, more like screeched, Gollum.  
  
"Chalupa!, someone please give that thing some tranquilizers!" said Aragorn  
  
Some human dude, lets call him Phillip. Ok so Phillip pops in from out of nowhere and shoots Gollum with a tranquilizer. "All done sir" said Phillip  
  
"Thank you Phillip" said strider, "Dude I thought your name was Aragorn" "I have identity issues, got a problem with that , PUNK" "N-n-no s-sir" "Good, now leave" PooF "Anyway, as I was saying Gandalf, we cannot keep this creature. We have two choices. One we kill him, two, we drop him in Mirkwood and let him be their problem" "Ai, well we cannot kill him, my spidy senses are tingling, I feel he will have an important role left to play. So we therefore must leave him in Mirkwood to be dealt with how Thranduil sees fit." "Poor, Legolas" "Ai lad, poor him" "Well at least they have Fred the Herring" "True Aragorn, I hate that fish with a passion, he seems to like the guards though"  
  
a few minutes later   
  
"Gollum Gollum, where was I again? Oh right................ aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhsdgjfkhajdfkhglkdhf, nooo it burrrnsssss!!!!!!!! Ussssss, preciousssssss." Said Gollum "ouchie, we stubbed our toses!"  
  
"PHILLIP!" yelled Aragorn and Gandalf at the same time. "Jinx, owe me a coke" said Gandalf. "Damnit!" "Hemm, hemm, I'm here" said Phillip "Where's the thing?" He said. "There" said Aragorn while looking for a quarter for the conveniently placed coke machine. "Oh right" shoots Gollum with tranquilizers, then pops off to where he came from. "Hey Gandy look!" "What is it ranger with the identity problem?" "Grr...... WE ARE IN MIRKWOOD YOU OLD FART!"  
  
TBC...  
  
Please read and review! Yes its not very long but I have to go to work 


	2. we meet 'the five'

Bad Gollum!  
  
Gollum is annoying. He is being held in Mirkwood for being a naughty um... thing; and the guards have been ordered to not kill him? What madness will ensue?  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Anodien, Amon, Fred the herring, Hinia, Tang and this plot. I also own Arwenontanelle, Phillip, Joe, bob, and jerry. They have spawned from my mind. Know them. Fear them! As usual, LotR belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and New Line Cinemas. I also do not own coca cola. That belongs to the dude that invented it  
  
Rating: pg for swearing and evil plotting  
  
Hi ho silver AWAY!!!!!  
  
Chapter 2: we meet 'the five'  
  
"Grr...... WE ARE IN MIRKWOOD YOU OLD FART!" shouted the ranger with identity issues, waking almost every elf within a 4 mile radius. Which just happened to be 5, Legolas, Anodien, Amon, Hinia & Tang they were also known as 'the 5' sorta like the 'nine' only there is just 5 of them and they don't try to kill people, well maybe they do. But not on a daily basis. Anyway 'the 5' were just innocently plotting revenge against a certain elf prince named Legolas' sister Arwenontanelle, involving a piece of string, a can of coke, Fred the herring and a pork. Now as I was saying they were doing all this, innnnocently when they were temporarily deafened by a loud yell, ( it really wasn't that loud but elves have really good hearing ! ) which just happened to come from their good friend, Aragorn.  
  
"AI, SHIT!" yelled Hinia.  
  
"PAIN" said Legolas.  
  
"OUCHIE!" screeched the twins Anodien and Amon in unison.  
  
"SHNIZZIT!" exclaimed Tang.  
  
"WHAT?!?!?!" they all yelled to each other  
  
meanwhile a few miles away  
  
"Shut up you idiot!" muttered Gandalf, "You'll make every elf within a 4 mile radius of yourself go temporarily deaf!"  
  
"Sorry old one"  
  
So they continued walking until it was time for Gollum's tranquilizers again. Then they continued walking until they came upon the great gate, also known as the entrance to the most densely populated area of Mirkwood.  
  
"What's the password, human?" Inquired the gate guard, Joe.  
  
"Oh, oh pick me I know this one. I know it! Pick meeeeeeeee!"  
  
sigh in exasperation "of course you know the password Bob, you are the other guard!"  
  
"Oh right"  
  
"Hem hem" said Gandalf, "you want to us to tell you the password?"  
  
"Oh, no no, we already know it...."  
  
thwack  
  
"Heh, sorry bout him, didn't take his medication today." Sighed Joe, he coughed and regained his composure. "So, yes, what is the password, human?"  
  
"Well the password is..."  
  
"No Gandalf, he asked the human to say the password." Said Aragorn "so anyway the password is...mutters something" "Yes correct, go right in 'Lesser. And company""  
  
"Hrmmpg, chocolate monkey!" muttered Gollum.  
  
"Hurry up ranger, we better get him to Thranduil before he wakes up again" said Gandalf.  
  
back with the 5 temporarily deafened elves  
  
"Can you hear me now?" Thranduil asked.  
  
"Yes," came 5 different replies.  
  
"Good!"  
  
(A/N yes they just miraculously ended up in the palace. Hey, you know they were 4 miles closer to it that Aragorn and Gandalf, and they didn't have to stop and give anyone tranquilizers"  
  
"Now, who did you say made that exclamation?" asked Tranduil again.  
  
"We think it was Aragorn, ada" said Legolas.  
  
"Yea and we guess he was about 4 miles away" said Hinia.  
  
"It sounded like he had two other people with him..." said Anodien  
  
"We assume it was Gandalf..." said Amon  
  
"And I think he had another person with him..." said Anodien  
  
"Or maybe it wasn't a person but it could talk..." said Amon  
  
"He seemed to be a wee bit schizophrenic ..." said Anodien  
  
"And they kept calling for this guy named Phillip to give the schizophrenic one tranquilizers" said the two twins together.  
  
"ENOUGH! This finishing each other's sentences thing, has got to stop"  
  
"Ok,"  
  
"We"  
  
"Are"  
  
"Sorry"  
  
"Grr............"  
  
"Meep"  
  
"Um, ada, you have visitors"  
  
"OH! Hello Gandalf and Estel!" exclaimed Thranduil "and, who is this?" he said pointing to Gollum"  
  
"Erm, well he is......"  
  
They proceed to explain all about Gollum, and why he is here.  
  
"He, WHAT?!?!?!" exclaimed Thranduil......................  
  
TBC...  
  
A/N: Here is some explanations Anodien and Amon are twins, Hinia is Legolas' cousin, Tang is the smartest and most sensible of the 5, and Legolas is the prince of Mirkwood, that's why they almost never get in too much trouble. Anyway these 5 have been best friends since they were like 1 year old and since they are elves, they have been alive a LONG time, and they have always been friends. In human years they would be about as mature as 27 year olds, also the 'five' are like the marauders in Harry potter. Yes, I know that fred the herring hasn't come up yet. But he will, don't worry, he will................. Oh and one more thing, ada means dad in elvish!  
  
Oh and Gollum tells you to review! 


	3. the madness begins

Bad Gollum!  
  
Gollum is annoying. He is being held in Mirkwood for being a naughty um... thing; and the guards have been ordered to not kill him? What madness will ensue?  
  
Disclaimer: I own it all, I came up with LotR and I also own coke-a-cola Mwaahahaha No I am just kidding all I own are Anodien, Amon, Fred the herring, Hinia, Tang, this plot, Arwenontanelle, Phillip, Joe, bob, and jerry. I also own a subway Mediterranean chicken salad, but my dad bought that, and I ate it. So I really don't own that either.  
  
Rating: pg for swearing and evil plotting  
  
Reviewer responses:  
  
Numenorean: thanks for liking it. Sorry bout the language, but that's part of why its rated pg. don't mean to sound rude, but there is very few 'colorful' words. But keep reading if you want to, it would make my frog Skippy happy! Lol and heres a cookie for replying  
  
The wolf's pen: one. I know its confusing my computer messed it up. Two, would you mind telling me what is so confusing?  
  
Xoxmelissaxox: thanks for liking the story. I am aiming for 6 chapters by the time we get out of school on Tuesday. Kik ( lol  
  
Now ON TO THE EL STORY-O!

* * *

CHAPTER 3 the madness begins!  
  
"He, WHAT?!?!?!" exclaimed Thranduil "let me get this straight, you want me to keep a spastic hobbit, thing that has been sitting in a cave for 500 years in my dungeon, MY DONGEON! Just to keep him out of your hair. Am I right?  
  
"Well erm..... Yes?" squeaked Estel  
  
"Yes please, please ada can we keep him. He is so CUTE in an ugly pathetic sort of way" squealed Arwenontanelle.  
  
"Awe, look who found a boyfriend" cooed Legolas  
  
"Oh, are we invited to the wedding, 'Re?" mocked Anodien  
  
"You are such a cute couple!" squeaked Hinia  
  
"Be sure not to have too much fun, 'Re" mocked Amon  
  
"That breaks so many laws of nature there" said Tang  
  
"Oh, haha you people are SOO funny! don't you have some small children to terrorize?" asked 're annoyingly.

* * *

(A/N since I don't want to type out Arwenontanelle all the time, I will call her 'Re or something like that)

* * *

"OK, OK ENOUGH!" yelled Thranduil while rubbing his temples in exasperation. "Hold on, can you wait a second?"  
  
"Sure, handle the situation, we don't want a murder on our hands" said Gandalf. And he had a point, the 'five' were glairing daggers at 'Re, if looks could kill all six of them would be dead.  
  
Meanwhile Gollum's tranquilizers had worn off and him Aragorn and the guard Jerry were eating popcorn and drinking coke, while betting on who would win.  
  
"Five dollars on the 'five', safety in numbers!" said the ranger  
  
"We agrees with the stinky human, preciousssss." Said Gollum  
  
"Hey, I am not stinky"  
  
"Tell me then Estel, when did you last bathe?" inquired Jerry.  
  
"I do not wish to answer that"  
  
"well then, preciousss, when did youses last brush your hairses?"  
  
"when did you last change your loincloth?"  
  
"Touché, preciousss" said Gollum  
  
"I feel so unloved" said Jerry, who then proceeded to run off to do his guard duties.  
  
-back with Thranduil-  
  
"now, so we don't have a murder here, as Gandalf said. So you, 'Re, go and do whatever you were doing before you came here" ordered Thranduil  
  
"But ADA! they..." she glares pointedly at Anodien, Amon, Legolas, Hinia, and Tang"... started it!"  
  
"Arwenontanelle Elvaralindë Greenleaf! I will have no backtalk from you young lady!"  
  
"but, but"  
  
"I will have none of your buts now march"  
  
"bu"  
  
"I SAID MARCH!"  
  
"yes sir"  
  
"now for you five, Legolas, go to your room for trying to plot revenge on your sister and mocking her"  
  
"but ada, I ..."  
  
"I don't even want to hear it, now go to your room!"  
  
"ada, I ...."  
  
"I said go!"  
  
"hurmph..."  
  
"what was that?"  
  
"I love you ada!" and with that Legolas went up to his room.  
  
"now for you four, Tang, go invent something in your workshop" "yes sir"  
  
"Traitor!" muttered Hinia and Anodien and Amon in unison "Ow" they said after Tang had jestingly thwacked them on the head.  
  
"Hinia" said Thranduil  
  
"go, erm, terrify your younger brother"  
  
"but wont nana get a wee bit mad?"  
  
"I will take the blame"  
  
"awesome! MWAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Ai, crap, my sister is going to kill me" said Thranduil  
  
"oh 'Brilith, my loveable brother, can you come out to play?!?" yelled Hinia in a sickly sweet voice.  
  
"correct me, she is going to kill me, bring me back to life, then kill me again" sighed Thranduil. "GET BACK HERE YOU TWO!"  
  
"damn, almost got away too!" murmured Amon  
  
"you can say that again bro" said Anodien  
  
"damn we al- OW!" said Amon  
  
"I didn't mean it!" sighed Anodien In exasperation.  
  
"hem hem, I believe we have some unfinished business, twins"  
  
"HEY! We detest being called 'twins..." said Amon  
  
"yes, we are two, totally separate..." said Anodien  
  
"individual" said Amon  
  
"people" they said together  
  
"Riiight, whatever. Ok then, Amon and Anodien, why don't you go to your rooms?"  
  
"well we would but there is two problems" stated Anodien  
  
"one, we are not your kids" explained Amon  
  
"two, we don't live here" Anodien continued to explain  
  
"argh! FINE, why don't you two go terrorize some innocent children?"  
  
"OH, YAY!!!!"  
  
The two of them run off to terrorize the innocent children in the daycare.  
  
"OH, I am terribly sorry Gandalf, now we can get to the matter at hand." Said Thranduil, while regaining his composure, "please continue explaining why I must keep this thing"  
  
"right, as you know this creature Gollum......" and yaddayaddayadda Gandalf explains the whole story about Gollum. With the ranger with identity issues adding in other details, and Gollum sleeping in a corner, sucking his thumb.  
  
"well, very well then, he will stay here, in the dungeons of course, for you have told me that he likes dark spaces, am I not correct" stated Thranduil in a tone that finalized the conversation. He had regained his kingly composure and sounded like his old self again.  
  
"ok, just one question, who will be guarding him, he is a most important prisoner as I have told you." Inquired Gandalf.  
  
"why only my most trusted guards, Jerry, Bob, and Joe."  
  
"but then who will guard the gate?" inquired Gandalf, again  
  
"you are a very inquisitive person, don't worry about it, it'll be fine."  
  
"your sure now?"  
  
"POSITIVE"  
  
"hrmpplh, MONKEY FEET!"  
  
"huh?" said both Gandalf and Thranduil at the same time, "Aragorn, was that you?"  
  
"no! of course it wasn't me, it was him!" said Aragorn, pointing to Gollum. Who continued to mumble to himself in his sleep.  
  
"so, it is settled then, JERRY, BOB, JOE! Come and escort our new prisoner to cell 146.995. don't ask what to do with him yet, just don't kill him, don't set Fred the herring on him, just watch him and make sure he doesn't leave"  
  
"yes, sir!" echoed three voices.  
  
"DIS-MISSED!"  
  
so Jerry, Joe and Bob march out, holding a snoring/muttering Gollum to cell #146.995, where they would put him until someone came to brief them on what they were to do with this, Gollum thing.  
  
"Estel, Mithrandir, you have both had a very trying day. You will stay here this night for dinner. Until then, you will rest."  
  
"thank you king Thranduil" echoed both Estel and Mithrandir

* * *

(a/n Estel is Aragorn's elvish name; Mithrandir is Gandalf's elvish name) TBC......

* * *

Hope you liked it, it took me twelve hours to do this, and my hand hurts.  
  
Anodien and Amon tell you to review. 


End file.
